The Unrecognized Diagnosis

This morning, in my Healing from CPTSD group, someone posted this question. This is probably the #1 hardest thing for me to accept and it comes in waves. It is a decision that I have to keep on making. This was my response:

YES BIG TIME!! Thank you for opening the conversation about this. When I had my daughter 20 years ago, through a torturous postpartum when all of my trauma made it’s grand entrance all at once, I was desperate to find healing. It was the thing I obsessed over the most in my life, to heal all my stuff so my kids would grow up with “the amazing healed version of me.” That healing never even started until about 2 years ago, but by then I was 18 years more traumatized, and add the trauma of spinning around in circles between therapists for 20 years with this CPTSD (the diagnosis with no name that caused people to look at me like a deer in headlights). I had beaten myself up incessantly and had zero confidence in my own motherly abilities and intuitions. I became mentally/ emotionally paralyzed and physically disabled from the stress.
I am just now, like 1 week ago, having healing revelations that I literally did the best I can with the crap tools I had. It wasn’t fair that I didn’t find the help I needed, but I can make the intentional choice to finally accept that this happened rather than spend the next 20 years sabotaging my healing. I apologize to my kids for the ways that I wasn’t better and I am here for them to work through things anytime they need me. We are making history and writing the books on CPTSD that will change the course of lives to come. It sucks that we (and our kids) didn’t get all of the benefits of that; we were/are the foragers. Basically, I’m having to choose every day whether I will stay stuck in how unfair life is, or I will embrace my path here and let the healing come.
♥️ It’s really freaking hard.

Multi-task or Hyper-Focus?

April 29, 2021 “You need to learn how to multi-task better.”
I heard this more times than I can count. At first, I would strive, strive, strive to do better, but I couldn’t ever fully measure up. The more I started to heal from my past, I realized that the concept of multi-tasking as we know it, was pushed by society and the culture of STAYING BUSY. It was not God who said that we need to be great at multi-tasking. I’m gonna ask Him when I see Him, but I’ve come to believe that It’s ok that I am not the best at multi-tasking. If you are like me, then you are probably great at the things that come with being someone who is able to hyperfocus. You give your whole attention to things that inspire you, your senses are heightened, you allow people to feel truly heard.
I’m not knocking all of the mult-taskers out there. I think your ability is a gift, just like the ability to hyperfocus is a gift. I think we need to allow each other to use our gifts, unashamed. Our differences are so beautiful.
-Emily’s Insights🌙