The Unrecognized Diagnosis

This morning, in my Healing from CPTSD group, someone posted this question. This is probably the #1 hardest thing for me to accept and it comes in waves. It is a decision that I have to keep on making. This was my response:

YES BIG TIME!! Thank you for opening the conversation about this. When I had my daughter 20 years ago, through a torturous postpartum when all of my trauma made it’s grand entrance all at once, I was desperate to find healing. It was the thing I obsessed over the most in my life, to heal all my stuff so my kids would grow up with “the amazing healed version of me.” That healing never even started until about 2 years ago, but by then I was 18 years more traumatized, and add the trauma of spinning around in circles between therapists for 20 years with this CPTSD (the diagnosis with no name that caused people to look at me like a deer in headlights). I had beaten myself up incessantly and had zero confidence in my own motherly abilities and intuitions. I became mentally/ emotionally paralyzed and physically disabled from the stress.
I am just now, like 1 week ago, having healing revelations that I literally did the best I can with the crap tools I had. It wasn’t fair that I didn’t find the help I needed, but I can make the intentional choice to finally accept that this happened rather than spend the next 20 years sabotaging my healing. I apologize to my kids for the ways that I wasn’t better and I am here for them to work through things anytime they need me. We are making history and writing the books on CPTSD that will change the course of lives to come. It sucks that we (and our kids) didn’t get all of the benefits of that; we were/are the foragers. Basically, I’m having to choose every day whether I will stay stuck in how unfair life is, or I will embrace my path here and let the healing come.
β™₯️ It’s really freaking hard.

Moonshine πŸŒ™

April 21, 2021 Someone dear to me has called me a sunshine person many times. But, come to think of it, I feel like I am definitely more of a moonshine person myself. I’m not a naturally bubbling over with sunshine and birds singing type, but more like a searching for rainbows and the promising glow of light at the end of the tunnel type.
I don’t see myself as the social πŸ¦‹, but I am the quiet nurturer of humans and animals. You won’t find me in large crowds or loud spaces, BUT YOU CAN always find me and my door is Always Open.

Multi-task or Hyper-Focus?

April 29, 2021 “You need to learn how to multi-task better.”
I heard this more times than I can count. At first, I would strive, strive, strive to do better, but I couldn’t ever fully measure up. The more I started to heal from my past, I realized that the concept of multi-tasking as we know it, was pushed by society and the culture of STAYING BUSY. It was not God who said that we need to be great at multi-tasking. I’m gonna ask Him when I see Him, but I’ve come to believe that It’s ok that I am not the best at multi-tasking. If you are like me, then you are probably great at the things that come with being someone who is able to hyperfocus. You give your whole attention to things that inspire you, your senses are heightened, you allow people to feel truly heard.
I’m not knocking all of the mult-taskers out there. I think your ability is a gift, just like the ability to hyperfocus is a gift. I think we need to allow each other to use our gifts, unashamed. Our differences are so beautiful.
-Emily’s InsightsπŸŒ™

Little Girl with Big Dreams

May 13, 2021 Since I was 12, I knew what I wanted to do. I wanted to change the world. πŸ˜† Big dreams for a kid. God could have said, “You sure about that, little girl?” I had no idea what I had gotten myself into, what I signed up for when I made that pact with Him that He could ” do with me as He pleased, IF….” All I knew was that my heart ached to be for someone else who I always needed for myself. The hands and feet of Jesus.
I can’t take credit for this person you see today. Seriously, not for any of it. I would have wallowed in my sadness and the darkness could have consumed me so so many times. The only thing I did was keep getting up. But even that seems insignificant, when He was the one who kept waking me up.
I am so glad He kept waking me up, especially when I didn’t care if He did or not.
If you reading this, are still in the dark place, please keep getting up.
If you reading this, are cringing at my mention of God, I feel you, I get this soo much. I hope that you will hear me when I say: God isn’t the One who fails us, people do. If you ever want to talk with someone from a place of empathy and not judgment, I’m here.
-Emily’s Insights πŸŒ™

Shut down the Inner Critic

June 7, 2021 I’ve been at war with myself over continuing to be transparent on social media. I made a list of the taunting messages that keep repeating themselves in my own mind, trying to silence my voice, my joy, and suck me back down into the pit. I have to face each fearful message of self-doubt, “supposed to” theories, and labels. I am owning & processing these messages to take back my power.
My page has grown into a blog of sorts. This is my intention. My hope has been to use it as a platform to share my healing journey and discoveries in an authentic way. Keeping it REAL and brave is my heart’s song. It is part therapy, part humor, part strength, part terrifying, part faith & hope & freedom. It gives me purpose and has brought me joy that I can’t define. This. This is my lifelong dream.
This is your opportunity to really speak your mind to me. LOVINGLY. I need to hear it. I want nothing more than to do this in the most effective, encompassing of all, so loving way. If I’m doing it all wrong and you know a better way, please message me.

If you see my vulnerability as a twisted ploy of a damsel in distress, I give you all my blessings to unfollow me and go in peace. I don’t have the energy. Love to all.
Em

Taking Up Space

August 28, 2020 Some of you may be wondering why I’m so transparent on social media. Some of you may feel slightly uncomfortable with my reallness. If so, then maybe it isn’t for you. For the first time in my life, I know in my heart that I don’t owe anybody an explanation, and that peace in my heart feels freaking amazing. But if you are still reading, than maybe this is for you too.

Up until only a few short weeks ago, I would have crumbled at backlash, especially after allowing myself to be so vulnerable. I would have gone silent and dark. But I am healing and for as long as I’ve been here in this earth, my purpose is to share my light with as many as I can. In order to do this, I believe it is important to share my story. If I don’t shy away from sharing the raw pain and my struggles, I am allowing someone to identify with me and am reaching out my hand to them to say “I know it hurts. I see you. Have some of my strength today. We can heal together.”

My story is not to make you feel sad for me any more, but to share in my joy and my freedom from all that had me feeling so confused and hopeless for so long. My story is not an excuse for myself to remain a victim. But I am willing to admit that I have been a victim of many painful things that weren’t my fault, I am finally allowing myself to really look at those things and feel compassion, empathy for that child, that girl, that young woman, that mother, that friend. For me, I needed to be allowed to admit my heart breaks, my traumas, in order to heal. I was not allowed to do that for a long time, and didn’t know how to do that because I got so good at stuffing it all down to “keep on truckin'”. Well, ” big girl panties” have never been my thing and I really wasn’t very good “sucking it up”. 😝 I was so damn sad and beat myself up constantly because I couldn’t seem to conform to the expectations that others had of me.

Many of my followers are my family, my dear friends throughout the years. Many of you have loved me, cried with me and for me, prayed with me and for me. Many of you have counseled me and worried about me and hoped and dreamed for me to find healing. This is for you.

My stories and testimony are for anyone who feels stuck, who feels hopeless, worthless, like they can’t hold on another day, like God doesn’t see them, that they will never be able to climb out of the darkness, that they are pathetic, too much, not enough, stupid, ugly, or any other heartbreaking message that we tell ourselves.

My story is for myself, to acknowledge my pain and share in my healing.

My story is for my precious children to know in their hearts just how deeply they are loved and how worthy they are of fighting for.

So much love to you all as we all do the very best we can at this crazy thing called life. ❀