This morning, in my Healing from CPTSD group, someone posted this question. This is probably the #1 hardest thing for me to accept and it comes in waves. It is a decision that I have to keep on making. This was my response:
YES BIG TIME!! Thank you for opening the conversation about this. When I had my daughter 20 years ago, through a torturous postpartum when all of my trauma made it’s grand entrance all at once, I was desperate to find healing. It was the thing I obsessed over the most in my life, to heal all my stuff so my kids would grow up with “the amazing healed version of me.” That healing never even started until about 2 years ago, but by then I was 18 years more traumatized, and add the trauma of spinning around in circles between therapists for 20 years with this CPTSD (the diagnosis with no name that caused people to look at me like a deer in headlights). I had beaten myself up incessantly and had zero confidence in my own motherly abilities and intuitions. I became mentally/ emotionally paralyzed and physically disabled from the stress. I am just now, like 1 week ago, having healing revelations that I literally did the best I can with the crap tools I had. It wasn’t fair that I didn’t find the help I needed, but I can make the intentional choice to finally accept that this happened rather than spend the next 20 years sabotaging my healing. I apologize to my kids for the ways that I wasn’t better and I am here for them to work through things anytime they need me. We are making history and writing the books on CPTSD that will change the course of lives to come. It sucks that we (and our kids) didn’t get all of the benefits of that; we were/are the foragers. Basically, I’m having to choose every day whether I will stay stuck in how unfair life is, or I will embrace my path here and let the healing come. ♥️ It’s really freaking hard.
May 13, 2021 Since I was 12, I knew what I wanted to do. I wanted to change the world. 😆 Big dreams for a kid. God could have said, “You sure about that, little girl?” I had no idea what I had gotten myself into, what I signed up for when I made that pact with Him that He could ” do with me as He pleased, IF….” All I knew was that my heart ached to be for someone else who I always needed for myself. The hands and feet of Jesus. I can’t take credit for this person you see today. Seriously, not for any of it. I would have wallowed in my sadness and the darkness could have consumed me so so many times. The only thing I did was keep getting up. But even that seems insignificant, when He was the one who kept waking me up. I am so glad He kept waking me up, especially when I didn’t care if He did or not. If you reading this, are still in the dark place, please keep getting up. If you reading this, are cringing at my mention of God, I feel you, I get this soo much. I hope that you will hear me when I say: God isn’t the One who fails us, people do. If you ever want to talk with someone from a place of empathy and not judgment, I’m here. -Emily’s Insights 🌙
September 29, 2022 To me, little kids are the closest beings to God. 💓💓 He even says, “Let the children come to me.” They are so precious. I’ve always believed that even babies can speak the language of angels. (You know how they will just babble and smile while seemingly looking into the air?) This brings me a lot of joy and comfort. I only wish little children could keep themselves clean like kittens do. 😹 My intuition about babies and little children, although beautiful enough to make my heart swell, also makes me feel a sense of great sadness that, as a child, I wasn’t thought of in this way. I am so grateful that I knew God’s comfort though. As long as i can remember, I had safe places to go to in my mind, in my heart. My sensitivity, my strength gave me the ability to tap into that. He was right there the whole time and there isn’t a doubt in my mind of that. I was so loved.
Can a mother forget the baby at her breast and have no compassion on the child she has borne? Though she may forget, I will not forget you!