March 27, 2023

Today, I am courageous. The usual fears that hold me aren’t gripping me as tight. The skies are blue, the rolling hills are green from unusual recent months of heavy rainfall. Tree branches are blowing in the wind. In the middle of the valley, here I sit in a parking lot, to the left are Target shoppers, and to my right is a white stucco wall, stone-colored brick edging along the length of the parking lot, at least 100 feet, and 3-story townhomes tower along the other side. Starbucks, with the trail of drive-thru customers, is behind me. All windows down on my two-toned white Jeep Compass with black accents, I’m in the front driver’s seat, writing on my laptop with Ralph Keyes, The Courage to Write on the seat next to me, and my cold brew within reach. This is my favorite place to do my writing. But it may just be that after I get my coffee, I am so ready and eager for my “writer’s time”, that I’m not patient enough to drive anywhere else. 

Fear is the emotion that has most single-handedly stolen my life from me. It’s kept me good, quiet, and tormented for as long as I can remember. As a chronic occurrence upon thinking of how stuck I was, I felt hopeless helplessness. To know that life was passing me by as I couldn’t get myself together enough to function like half of a human, persistently trying hard to fight the voice inside telling me, “I will never figure it out. Give it up already.” 

In adolescence, I was taught the importance of using my gifts. I learned every person has gifts they were born with, that it pleases God when we use them for His glory, and that if we don’t use them, we lose them. In my 40s, I labeled myself with “failure to launch.” Every dream I’ve had has been crushed or has felt too far out of reach to even get my hopes up. If failure is the thing I’m most afraid of, I’ve failed a million times and can survive the pain. But even then, I can get back up and try again. This isn’t a once and for all situation. If I never use my gift or do the things my heart aches for, I am not actually protecting myself from anything; I am only preventing myself from EVERYTHING.

I’m afraid, but the way to change my story is by being brave in the face of my fear and stepping into God’s plan for me—like the scripture I memorized and recited to myself at least five-thousand times through my life. Remember the one? “For I know the plans I have for you declares the Lord. Plans to Prosper you and not to harm you. Plans to give you hope and a future.”

If success is what scares me the most, which is more likely, the moments leading up to that success will prepare me. The image in my mind of a shock to my system or a loss of my entire identity is not realistic. I can do it one day at a time. In actuality, I could be a spokesperson for my motto that “God gives just enough light for the step I’m on.” I don’t need to know what will happen tomorrow. I don’t need to make big decisions, but I can make small ones and let go of the rest. All I need to do is ask God to guide me with the important tasks each day and for the strength to carry them out. 

I’m capable of doing very hard things. I’ve squeezed myself into tiny boxes to not take up too much space. I taught myself crazy survival skills like a magician to abracadabra my way through impossible situations. I’ve survived by the strength within me, and ultimately, I’ve won, because I am still here and still sane–mostly. And particularly, because my God doesn’t lose. 

The monsters can’t get me. The demons can never touch me.

What do I need in order to be unwavering toward myself, with the same persistence I have for others? I see the goodness in people. I am good too. I believe God wants to give them the desires of their hearts. God wants to give me the desires of my heart too. I can create to-do lists and write goals for myself for just the next step. I can trust God and the people who are moved by my writing. As an act of love, I’ll trust them. I can do that, I’m quite good at love. I can stop pretending that I don’t know what the hell to do all the time. I’ll stop asking for advice and start doing what I know. 

Today, March 27, 2023, I know I AM A WRITER. Whether I spend the next half of my life as a fearful shadow writer or as a courageous writer with a divine purpose is up to me. Having broken this down into the simplest of terms, I know without a doubt that this exact moment on this exact path is precisely where I am supposed to be. Every day I must only choose to believe—again, and again, and again. There will be no more “playing it small”. Yes, world, I’m going to be taking up space now.