Almost 2 years ago, I attempted to apply for a scholarship with the Amen Clinic. I had heard a out them from a member in my Complex PTSD online support group and their program seems revolutionary!

Unfortunately, right as I was applying, the position of head of the scholarship department was pending fulfillment, so I was put on hold. Several months went by without change, so I was forced to find another path for healing. This important enough for me to share as it shows my effort and the persistent “bad luck” that seemed to follow me everywhere.

Here is a very condensed version of my story that I was planning to submit in hopes of getting awarded the scholarship for treatment at the clinic.

So much love sand hope for each of you here.

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February 10, 2021

To Whom it May Concern,

I have spent 40 years, my entire life, merely striving (going around in circles) in survival mode. I was born and raised in an offbeat, religious cult, and grew up as the scapegoat for my parents’ cult extremisms, neglect, and consistent abuse. The past 25 years, through more and more significant traumas, threatening to consume me entirely, I have sought relief and healing in therapy, self-help books, churches, mentors, God, doctors, and all of the wrong medications, to only mask a small amount of the pain for short periods of time.

Just a little over one year ago, I stumbled upon a website for Complex PTSD. I had never felt so seen. My lifelong fight to live a ‘normal’ day had a name, but I still couldn’t get my therapist to validate my desperate need for trauma therapy. A few months later, as a single mother of two teenagers, I accepted my therapist’s request to rest my weary self and trust the hospital’s mental health system. After my three days stay in the hospital, on a new medication, I now had access to resources with Ventura County Behavioral Health, where I began group therapy. The group leader, Miss G, reached out to me after group one day and explained that she had been listening to me share for the past few weeks. She said she was thoroughly trained in trauma work and wanted to help me! She technically didn’t have room for a new client but she would pull some strings if I wanted to see her. I couldn’t believe it. She was the first therapist to ever acknowledge my trauma. In March 2020, due to the worldwide pandemic, I had my first appointment with Miss G on the phone. I had never experienced this kind of hope before. With only two months of diving headfirst into trauma therapy, I was told that Miss G was leaving the clinic. I was left to flounder on my own, once again.

Through a friend, I found a therapist who was not intimidated by my story and who believed in his ability to help me. I have been seeing Mr. B for several months now, twice a week, and I am slowly re-learning how to function in this world. I have not been able to hold a job in years, my physical health is suffering from a multitude of stress-induced illnesses and all of my money goes towards paying for therapy, trauma coaching, nutritional supplements, and doctors that are not covered by my insurance. I am in desperate need of consistent, skilled medical and mental health care that all of my life experiences have proven are beyond Medi-Cal’s scope of expertise. I cannot logically afford this financial burden, but I also cannot afford to discontinue this path toward healing. It is my dream and my hope that my daily life will become easier as I get free from the damage that was done to me. This is all I’ve ever wanted, to be a whole woman, a whole mom for my kids.

I have knocked on countless doors, praying for solutions and help. I have searched for years. I have researched many methods and outcomes of treatment that has always been just out of my reach. When I heard of your program, I was intrigued. I could never fathom how the most powerful and complex body part of all, my brain, could be so neglected, yet over medicated. I believe that your program would be such an enormous breakthrough in my lifelong journey to finally heal, so that I may become mentally, physically, emotionally, and spiritually whole.

Past trauma and triggers have prevented me from holding on to good things. They create barriers in my relationships with everyone, even my kids. Daily, I struggle with even the smallest of tasks, ie. Shower, brush teeth, eat, etc. My brain threatens to shut all the way down as its internal ‘overwhelm’ protector is activated, I self-isolate and push away the people I love. In my heart, I imagine that if someone could really ‘hear’ me and ‘see’ me, that they would finally understand. I need someone to understand the damage that comes from being overlooked for so long. I need someone to believe in me and give a wholehearted chance on me because I have been through the wringer over and over and over again. I sure as hell am not giving up, God help me; this is too important and I have fought too hard. This is my story and I am knocking on your doors with a humble and hopeful heart.