July 20, 2012 I am a dreamer. And as most girls dream, I thought I would be married to the man of my dreams at the age of 22, like my mother, and THEN start a family within the next couple years. Well, life didn’t quite turn out as I planned. My birthday is in 2 days; I’ll be 32, and every year since 29 has thrown me into some kind of minor crisis. I have a beautiful daughter, who just turned 10 going on 16, and a 5 year old son, who is brilliantly funny. It is quite possible and unfortunate that I am your typical, struggling, single mom with 2 baby daddies.
I’m a mixture of a hippy in crisis, because I wasn’t born a free spirit, but serious and insightful, yet I long to sing and strum on a guitar while sitting barefoot in the sand….and I wish I was Anne of Green Gables, when days weren’t so busy and worldly, when boys pulled a girl’s hair to get her attention, when there was time for sipping tea on the veranda with a dear friend, or when nothing was more important at the moment than a prize cow that strayed into your neighbor’s yard. Instead of these things, I was born in 1980 in LOS ANGELES, one of the most worldly, highly stressful places on earth.
Life is HARD. Anyone who says differently, has been exceptionally lucky, and are most likely the same people who think you are weak minded if you’ve ever needed the help of antidepressants just to make it through the day. I have met them, and have been rejected by them, so I know they exist. Quite possibly just a few of the reasons why I am “too much” or “not enough” for some people, I have listed below as my personal “downfalls.”
I don’t believe I’m as pretty as you tell me I am. I am often misunderstood. I have often taken abuse. I come from a dysfunctional family. I often don’t know what I’m doing and I don’t read directions, I always forget what I was just talking about, I am not a great cook, I am so afraid of getting older, I can’t stay organized to save my life, I’m pretty bad at keeping in touch, I am deathly afraid of snakes, I’m shy and a bit of an introvert (often mistaken for being stuck-up), I take things personally when I shouldn’t and love people that don’t deserve it, I suffer from PMS (thanks Mom!), dramatically change my hair when I’m depressed, I don’t exercise, I drive faster than I need to, I am completely random and inconsistent, I shut down when I’m overwhelmed, I hate the act of abortion as much as I hate suicide, but I’ve been there. I could probably use a drink at times, but don’t. I don’t smoke weed, but have. I don’t smile as often as I should. I’ve never been in a fight. My credit isn’t that great, and I’ve been on Public Assistance.
Sometimes I feel insecure, and am filled with self-doubt. Sometimes I hate my legs, wish my nose was smaller, or that my boobs were bigger. At times, I’ve wished I was overweight and plain-looking so people would like me more, because I’m so tired of men looking at me like a piece of ass or women not wanting to be my friend.
I’ve been hurt and broken, crushed and bleeding until I couldn’t breathe, talked down to, misunderstood, UNKNOWN, cheated on, lied to, used, raped of my womanhood.
But……………… I’ve also been loved, held, and carried when I couldn’t carry myself, put back together by the loving hands of the One who made me, embraced, understood & KNOWN, empowered, graciously given new strength and made beautiful.
The greatest passion of my innermost being is to be a messenger of hope, the one human hand to hold when you feel alone, the voice praying on your behalf, to share my story if you’ll let me, and to help carry some of the weight of yours.
I love with my whole heart, and you might not understand why I care as much as I do. How I can cry for what someone else is going through. I am filled with compassion for them. I have been mistreated and accused of having ulterior motives, because “how could someone genuinely care as I do?”But I keep going, my faith sustaining me. Some days I want to give up because people who don’t care seem happy and free, but a voice tells me it’s not yet time.
One day, when I am allowed a peaceful existence, whether the day comes here on earth, or up above, I will sing at the top of my lungs and give Him all the glory! If He gives me wings, I will fly down to comfort you, watch over your precious children as they sleep. I’ll be the voice in your ear when you don’t know what to do, and the voice that tells you how loved you are. I’ll be at the front line, fighting in the battle that your eyes can’t see, and I will protect you when trouble comes.
Until then, I put my strength and ever last bit of trust in Him, I will love my children with everything I have, and keep on fighting for all I believe in, while hoping to make a difference to someone along the way.